notjustamilitarywife

The extent of my husband’s dislike for all things Texas is a regular refrain in my home.  I hear a lot on the same topic from our AF friends.  I’ll admit that there are things about this place that get under my skin.  Anyways, it’s not Virginia, and in comparison to my heart’s home on the East Coast, any place is going to fall short.  Still, I’m doing my best to give Texas a chance and try to experience this place in a positive light while we are here.  It’s one of my AF wife vows, after all.

So I was really excited to land on a writing job that gives me an opportunity to really explore and get to know this town.  I’m reviewing San Antonio neighborhoods for a website called RentWiki.com, and in doing so I’m venturing into parts of this city that I never had reason to explore until now. 

My first assignment was the little neighborhood of Oakwell Farms.  I hadn’t ever heard of it before getting assigned to it.  Turns out, the neighborhood is so exclusive that you can’t even drive through it unless you can prove to the gatekeeper that you’ve got legitimate business visiting someone who lives there.  I wasn’t able to pull that off. . . so I had to resort to looking up homes for sale in the neighborhood just to see what they look like.  I managed to figure out that the neighborhood is builton land that was once the estate of a family of prominent art patrons called the Tobins.  By digging a little online, I found the obituary of Robert Lynn Batts Tobin, who donated the land in memory of his grandfather.  My favorite fact about this guy was that he was known for his penchant for wearing dramatic opera capes when out and about.  Who would have known a little San Antonio neighborhood would have such a quirky little history?

I’ve also reviewed Thousand Oaks and Stone Oak so far.  This assignment, in fact, has made me realize just how many neighborhoods in San Antonio have “Oak” in them.  Maybe I should research that.

In my research on just these three neighborhoods, I’ve find parks I never knew existed, interesting eateries that are on my list to try, beautiful hill views and quirky tidbits of history.  I’m looking forward to my next batch of neighborhoods.   

My husband hates seeing politics on base.  He gets so mad when he sees a political bumper sticker or window sign on the way to the commissary or the squadron building- even if it’s in support of his party or candidate of choice.

I agree with him on this one.  Being military or affiliated with the military is a political position in and of itself- you’ve got to be careful about what you say and do at all times- if you offend the wrong person it can spell disaster for your military career (we know this from very personal experience- but that’s another post).  Base just isn’t the place to display your political opinions.  And although we live off base, neither is our home.

Also, Justin and I differ on some key political points- such as which party we identify ourselves with.  Yup, it’s a bi-partisan marriage- and so far it’s working just fine.  (although I’ll admit I’ve found myself in agreement with the *other* party on some issues, but I don’t think I’ll ever give Justin the satisfaction of having brought me over to the dark side). 

However, Justin found some political pumpkin templates online and couldn’t resist.  We figured if we did both candidates, it would be ok to display.  Considering we both have pretty much zero experience in pumpkin carving, they turned out amazing!

For your viewing pleasure:

I now have the honor of having been tagged for the first time within the blog community, at http://threetimesabridesmaid.today.com/ .  Kristine blogs about her experiences as a veteran (currently working on #3) bridesmaid and it’s a lot of fun to read about!  Like pretty much every woman who has or plans on getting married, I love everything wedding- and it is very refreshing reading about it from a perspective other than the brides!

The rules of the tag are that I’m to post eight random facts about myself.  I’ve actually been reading a number of wedding-related blogs recently, and it’s made me nostalgic for my own.  In that vein, I’m going to stray from the military life theme of the blog and post eight facts related to my own nuptials:

1.  I was married on September 16th, 2006 in Norfolk, VA (gotta start with the basics).

2.  During communion my husband and I both served as chalice bearers, and my wonderful Grandma Vera, who was 94 at the time, was the only person to cut across the alter space and partake of the communal wine from both cups.

3.  My favorite personal touch in the wedding was the invitations, which I designed and made myself.  However, these were also one of the biggest sources of conflict in the process, as my mom and I almost had a huge blowout over the envelopes (weddings have a tendency to make all parties a little irrational).

4.  I ran into the most infamous substitute teacher in the history of Kempsville High School, Mr. Buddo, on the Tangier Island Ferry on my honeymoon.  Anyone reading this who went to KHS can appreciate the amazingness of this fact.  We also ate a lunch of crab legs with him and his wife, which is about the only thing to do on Tangier Island, outside of maybe catching a case of oral herpes.

5.  We had a groomsman drop out 2 days before the wedding, and my Maid of Honor skipped out on the reception before Justin and I arrived.  Luckily, an awesome friend stepped in on the wedding party last minute and my mom delivered an impromptu {mom}-of-honor speech, so crises were averted.

6. We had a mashed potato bar at the wedding, at my insistence.

7.  My mom put a silver six pence in my wedding show for good luck.  Since I bought such awesome wedding shoes, I’ve worn them often since, and I didn’t remember until after our one year anniversary that the coin was still wedged in there.  It’s still firmly in place, two years later.

 8.  My bridesmaids slapped together a little bachelorette party the night before the wedding, complete with the requisite male genitalia  items, including a 5-foot blow up penis which they all signed.  I made the mistake of carrying the oversized member out to my car via the hotel hallways, and happened to pass by my Great-Aunt-In-Law’s hotel room just as she was peering out the peephole.  Ah, wedding memories . . .

 So here are the rules of this tag:

1.  Each player starts off with eight random facts about themselves.

2.  People who are tagged need to write their own blog post about their eight things and post the rules.

3. At the end of your blog post, you need to choose eight people to be tagged and list their names.

4. Leave a comment telling them they were tagged, and an invitation to read your blog.

So, here’s my eight:

 http://thebridescafe.typepad.com

thefeminest.today.com

http://oldpueblowedding.blogspot.com

http://www.apracticalwedding.com/

fatacceptance.today.com

http://thatengagedgirl.blogspot.com/

 http://thepreppywedding.blogspot.com/

Annnnnnds, I’m going to count my original link, to Kristine’s blog, as my eighth, because I just spend about two and a half hours surfing wedding blogs, and as amazingly fun as that was, I really need to go get some other stuff done now!

Enjoy the wedding blogs!

So over at a friend’s house tonight, we were discussing our upcoming PCS’s.  Our friend said, “Wow, Texas to Georgia.  You could really make a lot if you did a DITY.”  For those who don’t know, DITY means ‘do it yourself’ move.  And I have to admit, I’ve already harbored thoughts of attempting a DITY for this upcoming PCS.

Which leads me to ask myself- have I gone completely insane?

My husband and I have done two moves since we were married in September 2006.  Our last move was paid for and conducted by the military and it went very smoothly.  Our first move was a DITY, three weeks into our marriage- and that was almost the end of it too.  I had a few moments there, during our DITY, that I really thought one of us was going to resort to violence.  I mean, it was BAD.

And yet, I’m flirting with the idea of doing it again.  Maybe DITYs are like childbirth.  I’ve never experienced the latter but I’ve been told that no matter how excruciatingly painful the birth is, no matter how vehemently you might vow that you’ll never put yourself through that again, most women find some way to get past those painful memories and convince themselves, “Well . . . it wasn’t REALLY that bad.  I can do it again.”  I’m feeling that way about the DITY now.

It helps that I found a little online calculator which informed me that we could possibly walk away from a DITY with an cool $6,000.  I asked my husband tonight, “What if we made a pact, before the DITY, that no matter what happens, we’ll still stay married?  We can shake on it . . .  and sign our names in blood.”  Yes- a DITY can be that bad.

I guess I have to decide how much my sanity is worth.  $6,000 sounds like a lot of money when you’re in the process of quitting your job to pursue your dream career (which does NOT include a guaranteed source of income).  Am I crazy to consider this?

As much as I’ve posted about the importance of non-military friendships, the fact is that I’ve made some amazing friends within the military community. I’m not trying to hate on military friendships- I really treasure the ones I have. What I do have mixed feelings about, however, are Spouses Clubs. I’ve experienced the good, and the not-so-good.

At our last base I really enjoyed the Spouse’s Club events. I was pretty much the lowest of the low in the military spouse pecking order: my husband was a brand new 2nd Lt, fresh out of school, and assigned to a casual job while he waited for a spot to open up in training. With the Langley Spouse’s Club, though, I did not once feel like a less valued participant than anyone else. The squadron leader’s wife was one of the most down-to-earth and friendly person I have ever met, and she made an effort right away to know my name and take an interest in me beyond surface formalities. She involved me in volunteering and participating in squadron events. I even played Easter Bunny for the annual squadron Easter Egg Hunt when the scheduled guy was a no-show.

 When we got here to Randolph, I was excited to get involved in the Spouse’s Club right away because of my previous experiences.  The spouses here are big on monthly Bunco meetings and the first one I attended was pretty fun.  I went alone, not knowing anyone, but I felt welcomed and comfortable. 

It’s important to note, for the purposes of this post, that Randolph is an AETC, ‘teaching base,’ and many of the officers stationed here fall into either the category of “instructor” or “student” navigators.  At the first Bunco meeting, the group was about half-and-half.  Although there tended to be an age difference between the two groups of 6 or more years, there wasn’t any noticable divide between the two.  I was excited for the next meeting and convinced my friend Sasha to tag along.

The next Bunco meeting was a very, very different experience.

Sasha and I were the ONLY ’student wives’ in a large group of women.  Even though this time I had brought a friend, I felt much less comfortable.  No one seemed particularly interested in getting to know us.  If there was conversations to be had, we had to be the ones initiating with the other women.

At one point towards the beginning of the evening, one woman asked outright if our husbands were instructors or students.  I explained that Sasha’s husband had already started his class and my husband was slated to begin his training soon.  She responded, “Oh, you won’t be here for very long then.”  The dismissal was obvious.  That was a year ago and I have made no efforts since then to connect or interact with the official spouse’s group of the squadron.  I am perfectly content with this decision.

 But looking back, I still think, “REALLY?”

We’re all in the same boat here, ladies.  We’ve all felt the sting of being discounted based on our relatively transient status.  We’ve all felt cheated when we’ve met that really cool person just a few months before we’re scheduled for a PCS.  But when you live this lifestyle, don’t you owe it to yourself make the most of every moment, and pursue that personal connection, even if it might be short lived?  That I was treated that way by a fellow military spouse was unbelievable to me.  Lucky for me, I guess, that our next station is going to be semi-permanent- hopefully it will have an awesome, down-to-earth, friendly group of like minded military wives.  And if not, well, I’ve always got Craigslist.

If you know where to look, there are most likely a number of special interest groups that meet on a regular basis in your area, and they usually welcome new members.  Don’t feel like you need to live, eat and breathe that particular subject in order to feel justified in joining the group.  I’m not suggesting you take on the presidency of the group or volunteer to head its membership drive.  Just use the group as another venue to meet potential friends. 

I’ll be the first to admit that this strategy didn’t work for me here in San Antonio.  I joined a wine enthusiast group, and the only person I met through that was 15 years my senior and made it clear she was mostly interested in meeting other singles- not my lifestyle anymore!  I also joined a board game meet up, and after failing to convince my husband to accompany me (“That sounds like a nerdfest.  No way.”) I summoned the courage to show up at some stranger’s house, with a bunch of strange people (“NERDS!” according to my husband), hoping I’d meet someone friendly and interesting.  When I arrived, the hostess (who was the closest to my age range and also a member of the wine group, so I was harboring a little hope that we’d become the best of friends) barely acknowledged me and I had to make the effort to go up and introduce myself to people.  It was really awkward, and when we sat down to play games, all the options were complicated ones I had never heard of (”NERD GAMES!” –husband) and everyone was reallllly anal about the rules.  I didn’t choose to attend anymore of those meet ups.  However, my bad experience does not necessitate that you will have one as well.  And even though I came out of that experience with zero new potential friends, it kept me occupied for an evening, and at least I felt like I was trying!

To find special interest groups in your area, try the following resources:

-Your local newspaper classifieds

-Craigslist (yes . . . I love Craigslist)

-www.meetup.com (this is where I found my wine and board game groups- may you have lots more luck than I did.  The potential is there)

-The local library or community center may offer special interest group meetings

Let me know if you’ve found any other resources for local interest groups.  Our next assignment is coming up in March so I’ve got to be proactive for my next group of friends!

If you aren’t religious in any way, shape or form, don’t try to meet new friends at church.  If you’re successful in meeting a fabulous forever friend, then that’s just an awkward conversation waiting to happen the first time they want you to attend a retreat or join a bible study with them.  If, however, praise music doesn’t make your ears bleed, you enjoy a good scripture discussion every once and a while, and (this one’s the kicker) you believe in God in one form or another, then joining a congregation is potentially a great way to meet new people.

Now, in the interests of full disclosure, this one didn’t work for me either.  I’ve tried this in the last few places I’ve lived and no dice on the new friends.  It seems in my denomination (Episcopalian), people generally attend church with their family until they branch out as new adults, and then the desire to sleep in on Sundays becomes too great and they drop out of the scene for a few years (My husband and I are guilty of this).  Once these young adults start families of their own, they come back to the fray.  So if your church is like mine, you’re going to have more luck meeting people if you’re a little older and you’ve already started your family.  If you are nearing or have reached retirement age, then you have hit new-friend-gold in the Episcopal Church.  Retirement aged Episcopalians are awesome.  I have many family friends back at home that fall into this category that are more fun to hang out with than plenty of people in my own age group.  However, when you’re 25 in a new place, you just can’t invite retirees over for poker night.

But I digress.

Churches often offer more than just Sunday services, so outside of coffee hour you can get to know people at bible studies, parenting groups, and social events.  In general, you can usually assume that someone you meet at a church event is probably a decent person.  And if you attend the same church, you most likely share a lot of the same values.  Unless you’ve been assigned to a one-horse town, you should try out a few churches before settling on one, because the congregation is going to be different at each and you’ll probably feel more comfortable at one or another. 

In the spirit of my last blog entry, I thought I’d do a post on how to meet non-military friends.  This is much harder to do than you might expect.  The college experience, I learned quickly after graduating from college, is in no way indicative of the social conditions of the real world.  I got lulled into a false sense of security at our first base assignment as well, because we lucked out and got assigned to the only base within 30 minutes of my home town and my college town.  I didn’t have to go looking friends because I already had a crowd to hang with there.

Then we got sent to San Antonio for navigator training.  Holy crap.  I got pushed into the metaphorical deep end of loneliness and boredom.  First of all, we reported in a good two months prior to my husband’s class start date, so all the people who were to be our peers weren’t even on their way yet.  I got a job lined up but it involved waiting around to fill in for someone’s maternity leave, and that baby took a month and a half to make his way into the world.  It takes me about two days, maybe three of doing basically nothing before I go stir crazy and I reached that point almost right away.  I decided I was going to make every effort possible to make some new friends while I was waiting around to work.  I’m a well-adjusted, fairly socially adept person- shouldn’t be too hard, right?

Wrong.

However, I did eventually meet some fantastic friends.  Granted only one of those is from outside the military circle.  However, she is awesome and worth all the hassle I went through trying to make a non-military friend.  And I’ll share my ideas and tips for meeting new people with you here, in the hopes that you’ll have a higher success rate than I did- or at least, find that one awesome civilian friend that I think every modern military wife should have.

Since I have a natural tendency towards wordiness, I’m going to spread my tips out over several posts.  That way, you’ve got something to look forward to- lucky you!  And that way I can always add more if I get new ideas.

1. Craigslist

Yes, I am actually suggesting you use the personals on Craigslist.  If you use common sense and you’re careful, it’s possible to meet genuinely nice, fun people who are looking for new friends.  I met my one ‘non-military’ friend in
San Antonio on Craigslist, answering an ad she put out looking to meet new friends in the area.  She and her fiancé actually met the majority of their group of friends from their last home on Craigslist.

Now, back to the point about common sense- there’s a lot of creeps and weirdos skulking around on Craigslist, so you have to be careful.  Generally you can tell from someone’s email if they are a normal person looking to expand their social circle, or if their intentions are trending in a more sinister direction.  Still, if you get good vibes and you want to meet someone, do it in a public place.  Make it a group thing if you can.  Don’t give out personal information like your address or even your last name until you really feel you can trust someone. 

For more tips on using Craigslist safely, check out my article on hubpages:
http://hubpages.com/hub/How-to-Meet-Friends-While-Avoiding-Creeps-on-Craigslist

I decided not long after my husband commissioned that if I was going to make this lifestyle work, then I had to set myself a few guidelines.

I’m a list maker.  I love bullet points.  Numbered layouts make me shiver in delight.

So naturally, I decided to craft a “Military Wife Bill of Rights” for myself.  It was to be more than just a gathering of words on paper to occupy myself for a few minutes. This was to have monumental significance; a beacon of belief that would get me through the lowest of lows and the toughest of assignments.  It was to serve as a set of secular commandments for myself to guide my actions and attitudes.  I harbored, for a brief time, the fancy that I would design and cross-stitch and frame my bill of rights.  But as I’ve mentioned before . . .  I’m just not that kind of military wife.

So I thought about it a lot but never even wrote it down.  Until now.  Ladies and Gentleman, I present for the first time:

The Modern Military Wives’s Bill of Rights

1.  I WILL make the effort to enjoy the uniqueness of every assignment.

Any military wife with any experience knows there are some assignments that no one wants.  They’re out in the middle of nowhere, in boring Podunk towns, or located in a climate zone that no one would live in voluntarily.  But chances are, you’ll get one of those assignments at least once over the course of your husband’s career.  So, make lemonade out of your lemon-of-an-assignment.  Learn what few things DO exist for fun, and do them.  Don’t skulk around on base and whine for the full length of your time there.  Try a new hobby.  Maybe you’ll learn you love ice fishing, or desert hiking, or corn husking, or whatever delightful activity the natives engage in.  If not, at least you can say you’ve tried it.  How many other lifestyles allow you to travel all over the place and not get called a flake?  Take advantage!

  2.  I WILL NOT allow anyone to treat me like a transient.

This one, I think, is my favorite.  My biggest fear as a military wife (well, besides that whole husband-going-off-to-war-getting-blown-to-bits thing) is that I’d be brushed off when opportunities in work and relationships  arise because I can’t commit to being around forever.  Yes, I might only work for your company for a year or two- but does that devalue the quality of the work I’ll give you in that time frame?  Sure, I might not still live down the street when your kids graduate from High School- but does that reduce the rapport that we can share while I am here?  Like my blog states, I am not JUST a military wife, so I don’t want to be denied any opportunities based on that particular aspect of myself!

3.  I WILL develop at least one friendship outside of our military community.

The military generally makes it easy to make friends at a new assignment.  Everyone else there, after all, is in the same boat as you, or has been at some point.  But I’ve always valued having more than one circle to run in, and it’s nice to have someone to keep you connected to the ‘real world’ outside the DOD system.  

4.  I WILL put out the effort to maintain at least one friendship beyond each assignment.

It would be nice to live in a fantasy world and believe that I’m going to stay in contact with every person I’ve ever had more than a casual friendship with.  But the reality is that’s difficult to do even with only one or two moves under your belt.  When you’re military, you’re going to be moving much more often, and no one has the time or energy to be sending out Christmas Cards by the thousands every year.  When you move a lot, you meet a lot of people, and it’s just not realistic that you’re going to maintain the same level of friendship with each of those people once you’re relocated.  But I think it’s important to make sure you come out of each assignment with at least one ‘forever friendship,’ and to take the time to nurture and maintain that friendship once you’ve moved on.

As a military wife, or should I say, as MORE than just a military wife, I pledge to abide by these tenets; to conduct my military lifestyle in a way that maximizes its opportunities and minimizes its negative impact on my ability to lead a normal life as a successful and happy woman; and to always remind myself of the advantages of my lifestyle when its drawbacks have got me down!

I’m only two years into my husband’s active duty, and I’ve yet to have experienced a deployment, so I’m sure I will think of more to add.  I’ll keep posting on my blog when I get more.  I’d love to hear other ideas for this Bill of Rights in my comments- please, share!

If being a military wife is a job, then sometimes I feel like I’m a terrible employee.  I don’t measure my self-worth by the rank on my husband’s sleeve.  I don’t attend the monthly luncheons and book drives and charity bake sales that all the dutiful spouses organize.  I DO own a silver tea service- but it hasn’t been used or polished since it was lugged over as a wedding gift two years ago.  I don’t wait at the door for my husband to come home, eager to pull off his boots, serve him a home cooked meal, and hang on each word about the day he spent defending America.  In fact, I’m not even usually at home when he gets off.  He’s lucky if I arrive home an hour after him, grumbling about traffic and the annoyances and quirks of my long day working at my own job; and if I offer to pop something frozen in the microwave on his behalf- well then that’s a pleasant surprise for him.

 The truth is, I bear no resemblance to the typical military wife of generations past.  And there’s a lot of military wives out there today who want to conform to that image, the happy homemaker who serves her country by serving her serviceman.  I don’t have a problem with these woman; I even think I might enjoy that lifestyle.  For a while.  Maybe a couple of days.  But ultimately, that’s not me.  Call me selfish, call me crazy- I’ve got ambitions and dreams and plans that involve more than tagging along after my husband.

I know there’s got to be plenty more women out there like me, women who are proud of their husbands and love their country . . . but who also believe in their unalienable right to dream big, to pursue a fantastic career right to that glass ceiling and through it, and to demand to be treated as a valuable member of every community they live in, even if it’s only for a short while.